My kids have gone to their Dad’s, beside me I have a Blood Orange Gin, sparkling wine, elderflower cordial and soda water drink, with ice and a slice of easy peel clemantine (no blood oranges available), its was my lockdown cocktail that has continued to signals the start of ‘me’ time.
This blog went out of my head through lock down, my time was spent home schooling for year 8, dealing with the guilt of no home schooling for year 4 as I could barely get my head found the year 8 stuff and being referee with the numerous squabble/disagreement from the kids.
This week both kids are back at school and I’m back to work 3 days a week; the first week of getting back to a busy life. Although now it is busier as I am dropping my son at school, (instead of him getting a public bus), then getting my daughter to primary school, its an 18 mile round trip. The petrol that would normally last me a month has lasted a week. I guess on the list of things to save up for after the fridge freezer, dishwasher, carpets (replacing the cat claw shreaded ones I currently have) is a hybrid car (live in a flat with on street parking, charge points non-existent).
I’ve always tried to use my car as little a possible, but the anxiety to keep my kids safe and well while covid is about, seem to dominate my motivations. Having seen the bus my son normally gets drive past with passengers not social distancing or wearing masks, it just seem too much of a risk.
I think back to March, only 5 weeks on being a single parent, before lock down started, and despite losing my self employed income, claiming univeral credit and the self-employment grant and all the strain that brought, I discovered more positives than negatives. Lockdown did give me the head space to start to find out who I was. The feelings of anger, loss and sadness that changing myself for him was pointless, took some processing, and still is. Allowing , my soul, that had been hibernating deep inside for so long to come out into the sun again. To feel at peace, to feel happy most of the time, rather than rarely. To actually have a good night sleep for the first time in 12+ years. To be able to take the time to enjoy the moments of occasional harmony my kids had. All these things shone out above all the worry of what was going on in the world.
Getting back to work and being confronted with all the pressures that I have not noticed pre-lockdown, were obvious and panic inducing. Why did I put up with that and why should I now. I questioned my continuation of my current career path, wanted to making a living out of my creative and spiritual sides, but not knowing where to start. Finally, being able to embrace my magical side and finding my career blocked that energy.
Too many tendrils seem to pulsate from my soul, I have no idea which ones to follow and which ones to allow to wither. My instinct is to allow time and synchronicity show me the roots I should follow. For years, I saw little hope in my future, only tension and pain, now I have more hope and excitement because I have my power back.
Gin cocktail finished, time for another and to decide which box set is going to dominate this weekend.
Daizy Frazer 